why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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