Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.