Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.