Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
