i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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