You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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