I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
