Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
