I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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