I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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