I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
