btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
did i just pee glitter
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
