How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
His nipple licking is glorious
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
