So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
