she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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