butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
