He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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