I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so explain again why im purple
no
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
