Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
