Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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