he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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