i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
being pregnant is like rehab
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize