Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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