im six kinds of drunk right now
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
