I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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