We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
