Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
