Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
