I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
