drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
