Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
