Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
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I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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