you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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