Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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