i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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