I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
