Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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