I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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