I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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