I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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