I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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