I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
