Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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