I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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