my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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