i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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