i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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