Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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