I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
