and she was petting her beer can
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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