He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
