you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
