i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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