We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
