I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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